Amma sweet Amma ....

My mother's coming tomorrow to spend the weekend with me and give me some much needed TLC. These last two weeks have been so stressful that I really think my health has suffered terribly. Work has been hectic, and relations with grumpymoodymean manager have sunk to an all time low. Just sitting in the office has become a stressful time, with all the tension and negativity all over the place.

SO , that is why I am looking forward to my mother coming so that I can crumble safely into her arms and we'll bitch about grumpymoodymeanie and we can together decide which animal he resembles the most or, better still, device devious plans to murder him .

And my brother dear will be joining us in B'lore. Yes , yes he will mess up the house, leave the sheets in a mess, leave atleast one shirt behind, throw his shoes around the place... but right now, I'm looking forward to all that .

Solipsism

'Amongst the most annoying aspects of blogging pointed out by Net users in India were poor writing , self-centred content and lack of information about when it has been updated'
- The Hindu , 28th Nov, 2006.

Arrey , its a blog. I'd rather read about cupcakes and parties and office romances and random stuff rather than personality development and management stories...

'....my feeling is that if you're not self-obsessed you're probably boring.'
'A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius , Dave Eggers.

I was reading my old diary and found a note that my friend who was in Delhi at that time had sent me along with my old cassettes that I had left behind there. I was going through a really bad time then and she wrote to me saying ' I hope this brings back some of the happiness. In the end its a ll worthwhile. Get stronger. Don't lose yourself in all this cynicism. '

I hope that I haven't lost myself in the cynicism and the bitterness. I worry that I will become so 'strong' that I become hardened. I worry that my heart has become like stone. Things stay etched in it , the very good AND the very bad memories. And sometimes, I think its better to erase the bad things and move on. But then , how can you erase an etching ?

:-)

Today’s going to be a good day. My typical pessimistic self tells me, no , no, expect the worst, don’t get excited, you’ll just get disappointed later on.. But I’m fighting it, I AM going to get excited and hopefull and happy and I have every reason to ! For one, I managed to wake up slightly earlier than usual, clean the house (I had taken the garbage out for so long I was scared there would be animals in it ), have a bath , make myself breakfast AND make it early to office ! AND to top it all, they played my request on the radio. Yes ,yes they actually did – Tracy Chapman . I had asked for Give Me one Reason, but they didn’t have that , and played Talkin About a Revolution instead. Suits me just fine ! AND (yes, there’s more) ,I would not have heard this song had this been a normal day . But all the forces of the universe came together and just on a whim , I decided to put on my headphones and listen to Radio Indigo ! And what do you know, the RJ was just introducing the song !!! I’m so happy I could I could.... !!!

So the hero for the moment is this !!

Wweeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!! yaay yaaay

So I’m off to Chennai tomorrow !!! I called up Yellow pages, got couple of numbers for travel agents and I’ve been assured an EQ ticket to Madras !!!! yaaaaaaaaay !!! I’m so excited !! This is very impulsive for me, I usuallly take ages to plan a trip , even if it’s a six hour journey !

And I’m going to meet a really really old friend. Haven’t met her for ages, (I think she would be the only one reading this so I might as well address her in the second person !!) ,but I talk to her everday and chat etc etc. But I feel like I’m going to meet a pen pal !!!!

I AM REALLY REALLY EXCITED !!!!!!

Its been so long since I felt like this , I’d almost forgotten how good it was! The random jumping around, the lil jig, the whooooooppppppeeeeeeee va va voooom ha ha ha feeling !!!

I Hate

I hate

- being misunderstood. I just feel so wronged and , well, misunderstood.

- it when things are unfair.

- seeing little kids being beaten. I cry a little inside and I feel really
helpless.

- it when people ask 'How are you?' and continue walking , without waiting
for an answer. Why do they even bother asking in the first place ?

- myself for getting grumpy and unpleasant when I'm hungry. I try , I really do , to not to, but then my stomach seems to be more powerful than my mind.

- it when people borrow my books and never return them / return them with dog ears and stains all over..

- it when people leave the tap on in full flow, when they're soaping their hands or brushing their teeth.

- it when people don't respect a queue.

- being away from home especially when my brother's also at home...

Sigh......

Sober after all

I am a spoilt brat.. I don't even know how to roll my own joint.. All this while I've been handed tightly rolled neat joints in a silver platter.. Or i've just stuffed them into a hollowed out Navy cut.. So when I did try to roll one myself, I just couldn't figure out how to do it ... I even called up J to get instructions (he said he was honoured) , but its kind of difficlut to explain over the phone. So I put all the weed back in the little plastic packet and sealed it tight.. There was beer in the fridge but the weather was too cold for that.

So finally, I made myself a cup of hot chocolate and settled down to watch one of the most painfully boring movies ever..- Eyes Wide Shut.. Eyes wide shit, that's what it should be called.

I can sleep late tomorrow !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

friday evening

Its a friday night and I managed to get out of work early. Got back , rented two movies and right now listening to Radio Indigo which is my latest find...
Planning to heat up some biriyani later .. and maybe even roll a joint.. .
let's see.. some how its very difficult to stay sober on a Friday evening...

High

Oooooooooh I'm on such high.. The cute guy in my office was in the lift with me , just the two of us.. and he asked me a question and I answered him without stammering or stuttering.....
And then to make it even better , we shared a cab back - just the two of us (ad of course a driver), with a laptop bag propped between... So now I know where he is from (Rajasthan FYI), I know what his voice sounds like (like a MAN mmmmmm) and I know what he smells like (mmmmmmmmmmm) and I know that he's not SO cute when you've looked at his face for more than 3 seconds, which was my record up till now.. But he's still MY cute guy in office.
And ya initially , like a true software engineer he was telling me about work and codes and stack migration and stuff.. and ya he also said that he liked Pune more than Bangalore because Pune was more "cosmopolitan". I don't know if that turned me off a little, well maybe a little. BUT, he's still MY cute guy in office.
Now I'm thinking of how when we're together and how I'll show him this post and how we'll laugh about it together.. tch tch silly goose me... hit me !!
And ya, the cab ride did seem very long and I wondered if I was smelling bad and I wondered if he was going to see his girlfriend or 'significant other' as its called.
sigh......

Still, I'm on such a high I'm scared I might do something drastic....

Ok ok , back to Carpe diem here's a list of things that I want to do for myself
1. Go for an Art of Living course - This is a result of reading this - http://beksandro.blogspot.com/2006/10/art-of-livingfinito.html
I am very inspired .

2. Go for dance classes - Somehow I don't want to go alone. Today I found out two girls from office who are going, so maybe I can tag along .

3. Learn to play the guitar - Ya just like that... But this one I'm not so sure right now

4. Resume French classes - J'aime la Francais. I studied French for two years in school and I enjoyed it. I wish I had continued in College as well, but lacked the will.

Ya, that's about it for now.. As of now, 1 is what I'm most attracted to. But I can't seem to find out when & where a course is happening. I'm planning to mail beks and perhaps ask her for a contact. Let's see..

Carpe Diem !!!

I stay on my own in Bangalore, earn a lot of money and have no commitments that pin me down... So technically , I should be really happy , just revelling in all this independence that I have. This was the picture that I had painted for myself when I was a kid - to have a place of my own, have a bottle of wine in the house, have friends over occasionally, whip up a quick dinner for myself... And yes, I am happy and I am very grateful. But somehow I keep thinking that if , oh if I had someone to share it with, someone really special then it would be so much better..
And I really need to stop thinking like that. On my way back from work, I thought to myself, having a 'significant other' doesn't necessarily make life better/happier. It definitely changes things, it just takes your mind off being 'alone' and keeps you occupied with other stuff.. so that's that.

What I really should be doing is cherishing these times , these days of unmitigated self- absorption because pretty soon I dont think I'll have all this time and energy for me me me me ... So carpe diem - seize the day!!!

So that's what I'm going to do .. I always felt that there is a purpose to this moment in my life.I think I need to find myself, make new friends, do things for myself..

So here goes !!!!

"Write a Daily Diary: Cope better with life" says the latest Good Housekeeping cover.. so i thought ok why not restart my blog... so here goes...