I'm on the other side now.

Besides all the re-studying (and this time more thoroughly) and the daunting prospect of facing a class of 50+ students , being a teacher can be quite a toughie..
For one, you can no longer bitch about some students to other students. Which is something that comes naturally to me.
Two, you can't bitch about teachers to the students .. Obviously not.
And three, I don't think you can bitch about students to teachers. Okay, so I can discuss performance and wonder why student X has done so badly. But that'll have to stop at that. I can't discuss my various conjectures like girlfriend issues and questions like what-does-he-see-in-her-anyway-?

All that requires a lot of self restraint and discipline. They really should pay me more..

I feel sorry for the lift operator who has to spend his day inside a box, press buttons now and then, be in a box with people and feel completely alone.

I feel sorry for the XYZ credit-card company representative, who sits in the cafetaria the whole day, gets up when someone comes to get coffee and asks them if they'd be interested in a credit card, only to get a brusque NoThankYOu.

I feel sorry for the coffee machine operator. Its an automated machine, so he really has nothing to do. Once I saw him sitting alone in the cafeteria, staring into space, with nothing to do and no one to talk to.

They probably feel sorry for me, staring into a computer screen the whole day.

Have I told you about my hyperactive conscience ?

I formally submitted my resignation today .

And I feel like a f***** Judas ....

I see disappointment in people's eyes and I feel like I've betrayed everyone here...

I thought I was supposed to feel happy , without a care in the world...

If only there were toggle buttons for my conscience and I could set it to zero now. Because I know that technically there is NOTHING for me to feel guilty about. Technically. But I still feel guilty.

Stupid conscience.

Running away

Part of the reason why I'm quitting work is

- M makes my life miserable. And I let him manipulate me and was too chicken to stand up to him. I do hold my ground now and then but not firmly enough. I should have put a stop to it a long time back. I did try, but I wasn't firm enough.
Unable to manage the M and easily pushed around.

- I know jack-shit about all this technical stuff and I have a peer who actually picked up a whole new programming language all on his own. I feel like I'm in the wrong place.
I think I learn best from a text book. I actually READ instruction manuals. I learn best when I'm taught things. I don't think I can just pick up stuff like this on my own, just by exploring.
Unable to manage peer-pressure and easily intimidated.

So there. I'm running away from it. Running back to school. Where there are profs to help me or profs whom I can blame and juniors to make me feel good.

There. That's.the.truth. I'm.running.away.

decisions

Last year, this time, my parents had seen me off at the airport and I was on my way to Bangalore. My first job....

And today, this time, I'm thinking of quitting and moving on.

When I joined, it was more that I was trying out what it was like to work, just for the experience. Ultimately, I would get back to studies and start on my PhD. But even then and especially somewhere in-between the last one year, I started to doubt whether I was really up to a PhD. I wondered if I was doing it because that was the next thing to do (which is often the reason why I do most things) and whether I would be able to survive it. At the same time, life in the corporate world was not exactly rosy. Trouble with the m. Loss of interest. All this only hastened my decision to get back to studies.
I liked studying, I'd love to study in a foreign university, I know that I'll learn a lot, and not just Economics.

But at the same time, there's the nagging thought in the back of my head. That I'm throwing away an extremely-well-paying-challenging-high-growth-potential-very-niche-area-exclusive job. All that money , the independence. Gone , gone , gone...
This laptop. This flat. Evening smoke. Long phone calls. Not looking at the right-hand side of the menu before ordering..All gone....

Its a pretty scary thought.

But then again, I tell myself life's not going to be miserable. Different, but not miserable...

I don't know if I'm making the right decision. I'll know that only much later. It IS a plunge into the dark, but I think I need to do that atleast once in my life...

A tin of sardines with A Purpose

7.30 A.M. : I don't want to go to office. I don't , I don't. I want to stay at home and I know I'll get more work done if I'm at home. I will, really. But I don't have any reason to Work From Home. It'll just seem like I don't want to work and hence...

8.00 A.M. : Ask for the cab to pick me up at 9.

8:20 A.M. : Warm up 2 slices of bread and some sweet corn. Open a tin of sardines... OUCHOUCHOUCH.. Neat little cut, right across my right thumb. I rinse it under the pipe for a while. Bleeding refuses to stop.

TAN TA DA !! Stroke of genius ! There's my excuse. Bleeding thumb, very messy , cannot type. Will Work From Home !!!

No cab for me, thank you very much !

Right now, I truly believe that everything happens for the best. Everything. And for everything there is a purpose. Even if it's just a tin of sardines.

This Week

Heart and Soul into work.


No more slacking.... 'nuff said ....

I've been told plenty of times that I should consider myself especially lucky if I get a job I love and enjoy. In all likelihood, work is most often something you tolerate, something you do because you have to...

But its just so frustrating at times. I don't dislike my job. But the thing is I'm not a particularly passionate person. There is no ONE thing that excites me and drives me. Put me anywhere (well, pretty much) and I'll do a fairly decent job. I may not be passionate or super-intelligent but, to my credit, I am extremely hard-working and that gets me through a lot of things. I feel satisified at the end of a day well-spent , working hard, getting things completed.

Work has started to get more and more unsatisfying. I'm not sure if this is just a phase. I'm not sure if this is because of my current project which makes me want to pull my hair, bite my nails and punch someone. I'm not sure if its because I haven't been working hard enough and hence the feeling of unsatisfaction.
I'm tired of writing codes (when computers are not even my thing), sick of VBAs and Excel macros and numbers and numbers and more numbers. I just want to walk away from it all.

The 'sensible' (rather the conservative, absolutely risk-averse, timid, self-effacing) voice in my head tells me that its just a phase. I'll probably move on to another job and find myself as unhappy at some point. I should just tolerate this and not expect so much. At the same time, I keep wondering , what's the point of studying hard and working hard in school/college when at the end of the day you're stuck in a job that's not really making you happy ?

Is my job supposed to make me happy ? Or should I just tolerate it ? Do most people just tolerate their jobs?

And I just realised that its a Friday and I'm whining.. I've certainly hit rock bottom.