Work icks

Suppose you were explaining something to someone at work. Preparing some figures, graphs, trying to show a trend, explain it. And pointing out some numbers/graphs on the screen. And then that someone says, " You have such long fingers" ...

Does that ick you out ? Me, it totally did. And pissed me off as well.
And I'm wondering if I'm just being paranoid.

Running away

Part of the reason why I'm quitting work is

- M makes my life miserable. And I let him manipulate me and was too chicken to stand up to him. I do hold my ground now and then but not firmly enough. I should have put a stop to it a long time back. I did try, but I wasn't firm enough.
Unable to manage the M and easily pushed around.

- I know jack-shit about all this technical stuff and I have a peer who actually picked up a whole new programming language all on his own. I feel like I'm in the wrong place.
I think I learn best from a text book. I actually READ instruction manuals. I learn best when I'm taught things. I don't think I can just pick up stuff like this on my own, just by exploring.
Unable to manage peer-pressure and easily intimidated.

So there. I'm running away from it. Running back to school. Where there are profs to help me or profs whom I can blame and juniors to make me feel good.

There. That's.the.truth. I'm.running.away.

Bizarre

Millions of cars in Bangalore.....

Zillions of trees as well......





Why did it have to be this car and this tree ?
WHY WHY WHY ????

We were planning to drive to Coorg......

PS : Thankfully, no one was hurt.

confused

A couple of us have planned a trip to Coorg over the weekend. A homestay was booked, every one was confirmed, travel plans discussed.....

I was yet to tell my parents about the trip. I think at the back of my mind, I knew my parents would disapprove and so I kept postponing it until the last minute, which was about half an hour back.

As was expected, they were none too happy about it and put their foot down citing reasons such as - if people get to know, it doesn't look good
- 2 boys , 2 girls. Unmarried. Overnight stay. Tch tch.
Now I'm sure for most of you, this might sound totally unreasonable and reeking of Mallu-Christian narrow mindedness and conservatism. But having lived in Kottayam for most of my life and knowing the kind of gossip and the way people interpret things, I CAN understand my parent's concern. So though I find it unreasonable, I do understand why they are worried.

Ever since I've come to Bangalore, I have not travelled anywhere around, despite there being some interesting places to visit in and around. And this could be such a fun trip. The homestay that we organised has a little river running through, kayaking, a night trek and even a safari. So its just plain innocent fun.

That's what I told them. But the moment they heard the 2boys2girls bit of it, they veto-ed it. There were no questions asked about how we were going, where we were staying, when we were going. Nothing. Just one big veto. That's what upset me. That there was minimal interest in my safety and more interest in my reputation.

My parents, and I , we've both been through a lot because of gossipmongers. Some of the gossip was just that. Uninhibited bullshit. Anonymous letters sent home stating that 'she is drinking even during the day'... Some of it was true. From the days when I had a boyfriend and did 'scandalous things'. So I know that it matters what people say and talk. I know that it hurts my parents and upsets them and indirectly affects the rest of the family as well. All of this I am well aware of, and I , for my part, try and not give people reason to talk.

So when I spoke to my mother, I was calm, reasonable and sensible and tried to explain it to them. I finally told my mother "what if I still went?". To which she said she couldn't stop me. I said, "Okay, I'll be leaving on Saturday morning, getting back Sunday night"

End of call..

I'm going to explain it to them one more time, like a sensible adult. And then if they're still adamant about me not going, I need to decide whether I'm still going to go ahead with the trip. I feel that if I go, it'll be like a coming to my own, like I've crossed over some threshold. As if I'm going to be alone from then on, on my own.
Which is all very scary, the chicken and papa's baby that I am.

For now, I'm going to sleep over it and tomorrow , after I talk to my parents, I'm just going to trust my instincts.

Sigh

Time for a smoke...

sunday evening whine

Sunday evenings are so terribly depressing. End of the weekend and the Monday morning looming ahead, unavoidable. And like L and I were discussing once, Sunday evening is the time when you don't want to meet up with anyone, go and out/do anything in particular. Its when you want to do 'Great gooey goops of nothing.' as the ever-audacious Ms. I put it.

Don't want to go out. Don't want to meet up with ABC XYZ.
BUT
Don't want to be alone at home either.

Its when I feel most lonely. Coz its when I'd like to be with someone AND at the same time be at home and feel at home. I want to laze around and do my own thing, feel rested for the week ahead. AND at the same time, have someone around as well, someone who's also doing their own thing.

I always feel like there were SO many things I should have done over the weekend but never did.
- should have got my passport-size photos taken .
- should have submitted documents for Hutch phone number
- should have done my grocery shopping for the week
- should have got some work done

hmmm . I really should be more positive.

Things I did get done this weekend
- did clean the house
- did mail Aa
- did mail prof 1 about plans for further studies
- did call people I had promised to call ( though this was more to try and get myself out of depression) . Called Mr.C who has fallen in love..again, I really hope he doesn't get hurt..again.. Called J, who's phone his messed up and who's going to be back in B'lore (yaaaay!). Called N, who I've invited over next weekend, to supposedly help out with logistic regression and SAS (hee hee hee, she's in for a shock).
- did practice my guitar
- did not succumb to terrible urge to call The Ex. (still 2 more hours to go, but I WILL SURVIVE)
- did meet uncle , aunt , cousins and eat a scrumptious lunch.
- did cook a nice dinner for cousin

I feel a little better. I do. I think I'll work for a while. 5 more days and it'll be Friday evening again !

Blah

I've been told plenty of times that I should consider myself especially lucky if I get a job I love and enjoy. In all likelihood, work is most often something you tolerate, something you do because you have to...

But its just so frustrating at times. I don't dislike my job. But the thing is I'm not a particularly passionate person. There is no ONE thing that excites me and drives me. Put me anywhere (well, pretty much) and I'll do a fairly decent job. I may not be passionate or super-intelligent but, to my credit, I am extremely hard-working and that gets me through a lot of things. I feel satisified at the end of a day well-spent , working hard, getting things completed.

Work has started to get more and more unsatisfying. I'm not sure if this is just a phase. I'm not sure if this is because of my current project which makes me want to pull my hair, bite my nails and punch someone. I'm not sure if its because I haven't been working hard enough and hence the feeling of unsatisfaction.
I'm tired of writing codes (when computers are not even my thing), sick of VBAs and Excel macros and numbers and numbers and more numbers. I just want to walk away from it all.

The 'sensible' (rather the conservative, absolutely risk-averse, timid, self-effacing) voice in my head tells me that its just a phase. I'll probably move on to another job and find myself as unhappy at some point. I should just tolerate this and not expect so much. At the same time, I keep wondering , what's the point of studying hard and working hard in school/college when at the end of the day you're stuck in a job that's not really making you happy ?

Is my job supposed to make me happy ? Or should I just tolerate it ? Do most people just tolerate their jobs?

And I just realised that its a Friday and I'm whining.. I've certainly hit rock bottom.