Have I told you about my hyperactive conscience ?

I formally submitted my resignation today .

And I feel like a f***** Judas ....

I see disappointment in people's eyes and I feel like I've betrayed everyone here...

I thought I was supposed to feel happy , without a care in the world...

If only there were toggle buttons for my conscience and I could set it to zero now. Because I know that technically there is NOTHING for me to feel guilty about. Technically. But I still feel guilty.

Stupid conscience.

Running away

Part of the reason why I'm quitting work is

- M makes my life miserable. And I let him manipulate me and was too chicken to stand up to him. I do hold my ground now and then but not firmly enough. I should have put a stop to it a long time back. I did try, but I wasn't firm enough.
Unable to manage the M and easily pushed around.

- I know jack-shit about all this technical stuff and I have a peer who actually picked up a whole new programming language all on his own. I feel like I'm in the wrong place.
I think I learn best from a text book. I actually READ instruction manuals. I learn best when I'm taught things. I don't think I can just pick up stuff like this on my own, just by exploring.
Unable to manage peer-pressure and easily intimidated.

So there. I'm running away from it. Running back to school. Where there are profs to help me or profs whom I can blame and juniors to make me feel good.

There. That's.the.truth. I'm.running.away.

A tin of sardines with A Purpose

7.30 A.M. : I don't want to go to office. I don't , I don't. I want to stay at home and I know I'll get more work done if I'm at home. I will, really. But I don't have any reason to Work From Home. It'll just seem like I don't want to work and hence...

8.00 A.M. : Ask for the cab to pick me up at 9.

8:20 A.M. : Warm up 2 slices of bread and some sweet corn. Open a tin of sardines... OUCHOUCHOUCH.. Neat little cut, right across my right thumb. I rinse it under the pipe for a while. Bleeding refuses to stop.

TAN TA DA !! Stroke of genius ! There's my excuse. Bleeding thumb, very messy , cannot type. Will Work From Home !!!

No cab for me, thank you very much !

Right now, I truly believe that everything happens for the best. Everything. And for everything there is a purpose. Even if it's just a tin of sardines.

I don't understand why people who you've had pleasant conversations with, be it in the elevator or in the cab on the way back from office, refuse to say even a 'Hi', let alone make eye contact when you meet in office the next day. It just shows such lack of character.

Is this the 'done' thing in the corporate world ? Or is it just me ? I wonder...

High

Oooooooooh I'm on such high.. The cute guy in my office was in the lift with me , just the two of us.. and he asked me a question and I answered him without stammering or stuttering.....
And then to make it even better , we shared a cab back - just the two of us (ad of course a driver), with a laptop bag propped between... So now I know where he is from (Rajasthan FYI), I know what his voice sounds like (like a MAN mmmmmm) and I know what he smells like (mmmmmmmmmmm) and I know that he's not SO cute when you've looked at his face for more than 3 seconds, which was my record up till now.. But he's still MY cute guy in office.
And ya initially , like a true software engineer he was telling me about work and codes and stack migration and stuff.. and ya he also said that he liked Pune more than Bangalore because Pune was more "cosmopolitan". I don't know if that turned me off a little, well maybe a little. BUT, he's still MY cute guy in office.
Now I'm thinking of how when we're together and how I'll show him this post and how we'll laugh about it together.. tch tch silly goose me... hit me !!
And ya, the cab ride did seem very long and I wondered if I was smelling bad and I wondered if he was going to see his girlfriend or 'significant other' as its called.
sigh......

Still, I'm on such a high I'm scared I might do something drastic....

Ok ok , back to Carpe diem here's a list of things that I want to do for myself
1. Go for an Art of Living course - This is a result of reading this - http://beksandro.blogspot.com/2006/10/art-of-livingfinito.html
I am very inspired .

2. Go for dance classes - Somehow I don't want to go alone. Today I found out two girls from office who are going, so maybe I can tag along .

3. Learn to play the guitar - Ya just like that... But this one I'm not so sure right now

4. Resume French classes - J'aime la Francais. I studied French for two years in school and I enjoyed it. I wish I had continued in College as well, but lacked the will.

Ya, that's about it for now.. As of now, 1 is what I'm most attracted to. But I can't seem to find out when & where a course is happening. I'm planning to mail beks and perhaps ask her for a contact. Let's see..